Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
