I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
