So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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