Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
