He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
