Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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