she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
