I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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