I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
