u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
