My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This is my gift to your gina
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
