Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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