that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
