I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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