So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
