in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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