i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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