There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
