How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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