Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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