I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
