Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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