it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
