a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
