I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
