I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
