i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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