Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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