This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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