i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
