I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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