I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
