I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
