how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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