So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
