At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
