Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
