I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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