Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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