Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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