I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
