It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
