dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
