Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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