Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
