I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
