I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
