We won't sleep together?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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