Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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