I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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