Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
