I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
