Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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